While I worked on this post into the wee hours of today, I wanted to make a change in my life. It’s about time, after all, it’s twenty-eight days after new year’s day. It may be easy for people to say they’re following (insert any new-found) diet or regimen, it’s doubly hard to accept one has a problem. That there is something that needs some looking into. Some fixing. So in this post, I add my personal views on the points mentioned in the Thought Catalog post. You can read the post here.
1. Yes, I love overeating alone. Especially alone. And it’s not like I have never overeaten when out with friends. I’m the one who will always be reaching out for that last momo because M. decided she couldn’t put another down her throat. While I look at her aghast for wasting delicious food, I reach out for it telling myself I’ve got to try not just the vegetarian version, but get more bang for my buck. And when alone, I stuff myself silly with chips, coke and even fried food. I feel disgusted when I realise what my actions were but mostly because I’m on a full stomach. But yes, guilty as charged.
2. True. Portion control. Who’s heard that? Okay I’m lying. I know I should be eating smaller portions to keep my cravings in check, but I don’t think my brain functions well regarding the ‘control’ bit. I’ve almost never been able to reign in my impulses. Strong will power. Never heard of it. When I’m home I tend to indulge on snacks and then come dinner time, and I’m cribbing about how my mum makes such large rotis. Terrible ain’t it? Guilt as charged.
3. Yes. I do tend to avoid social gatherings because I’m ashamed about my body. Last year I was invited for my very first destination wedding this time in March, but as every day creeps by I’m tempted to call off the entire trip. It’s definitely because I know I don’t have anything appropriate to wear, or rather anything appropriate that would fit. Nothing glamorous in my wardrobe. So yes, guilty as charged.
4. Hahaha… I’m always thinking about food. Sometimes even this is an understatement. There have been so many occasions when I may have just finished one meal, but I’d begin thinking about the next. What to eat, where to go, is there some new delicacy, cuisine, etc., I’m yet to try? I know this is my passion for food that’s talking, but at times I think I take it too far and sans any control. There are times when entire plans have been changed to accommodate my cravings. Food does calm me down. I seek refuge in it. From binge watching to actively seeking my comfort food, which is not healthy salads or smoothies, food has turned not just into a ‘passion’ for me but a ‘drug’. Guilty as charged.
5. I do. I do spend excessive amounts of time and money on food. I’ve always told people, who care to listen, how much I enjoy drifting around a well-stocked airport, preferably two hours before boarding time. As much as I enjoy indulging in a book or two or window shopping, I love to dig into something substantial while reading a book. There have been so many times when I’ve slipped into McDonald’s for my regular Spicy McChicken meal before or even after work because I probably heard my stomach rumbling. Alone. All by myself. I may have conquered the awkwardness that comes with dining alone, which is a good thing, but not always for me. Guilty as charged.
6. Oh so true. Oh so true. This one hits the nail on the head. Even when I’m stuffing my face, I’m always telling myself I’ll go for that walk tomorrow. I’ll lose weight. I’ll eat healthy stuff. But alas, either I’m never able to leave the bed in the morning or I get stuck to the couch in front of the television. There have been innumerable times when I’ve lost weight. So when I boomerang, I tell myself I’ll lose it again. It’s easy for me to be nonchalant about any weight gain by joking – look, I’m like a moon, I wax and wane according to seasons instead lunar. But how much longer can I pull this off? How much longer can I keep lying to myself? Guilty as charged.
7. Whew. What more can I say? Yes. Sometimes my relation with food comes in between my relations with people. Everyone judges you. Everyone raises an eyebrow when they see a large-sized person. My colleague recently called his sister ‘spherical’. As it may be the weird love between a brother and sister, it still shows how we are not able to accept people who are different from the ‘normal’. My size has made me less confident, and while there are those who say I should not give a damn about others, to them I say – we still have to live among others. It’s not like I can pack myself off elsewhere. Some don’t get bothered about it as much as I do… what can I say. This is who I am. I know I have been putting off a Tinder date. I just happened to ‘connect’ with someone and it gets difficult for me to meet the person face-to-face. Both my guy friends and girls have told me how men do not want ‘fat’ girls. So guilty as charged.
8. Yessir. Sometimes I fill myself with so much I feel extremely sick later and not just when I’m helping myself to my granny’s food. I can’t sleep at all. Or I wake up the next day still feeling full. It’s a horrible feeling, so guilty as charged.
9. Yep. I do feel ashamed and guilty of how much I eat. My mum once said, if there’s anything you can’t do openly or tell someone about it, it probably is a ‘wrong thing’. While this may just been one among the many lessons of my strict upbringing, it has stuck on. I know I would want to hide my eating habits from others. Guilty as charged.
10. Yes, sometimes when I get emotionally unhinged I feel like reaching out for that second chocolate-filled biscuit. Bad day at work? Must stop by the market for streetside snacks or slip in coke and chips into my room. And dispose of them with equal discretion. So hell yeah, guilty as charged.
But enough is enough. From tomorrow, and I mean it, I’ll be embarking on a #Fitness45days regimen to kickstart my healthier phase this year. I’ve done this before and I know I can do it again, but this time I’ll be sticking to it instead of relapsing into my old habits.
Follow me on Twitter and Instagram (@samantha_rjsdr), where I’ll put up tales of every trial and tribulation, and work towards a fitter and more confident me.